the words i wrote for myself but not to myself

The end of the day can be such a bittersweet feeling, can’t it? You can feel relieved that the day is over, you AND your children have survived, and the house is finally quiet.

However, even with victory coursing through your veins it is almost impossible not to think about all the things you got wrong. Well, at least for me it is. You’d think I’d take the little time I do have where I can actually hear my own thoughts and actually revel in what could only be described as a win. I should be able to fall asleep effortlessly and dream nothing but magnificent dreams…

And when that happens, I’ll be sure to write a blog describing how I’ve transformed into an all mighty and powerful being who shits cupcakes and rainbows.

At this very moment, both of my kids are asleep in bed, I have a Friends episode playing in the background because it is my favorite type of white noise (no pun intended). You’d think I’d have nothing else to do other than sigh the joyous sighs of relief that no one is asking me where the other purple polka dotted sock that grandma got as a gift last Christmas is. While I am pretty damn happy no one is asking me that question…anymore, my mind still seems to run a mile a minute and I seem incapable of being able to stop and enjoy the stillness that embraces me.

I am my own worst enemy, and critic. I can’t help it. At the end of the day when I go over all the things I forgot to do, or better yet the things I did but failed at doing, it is no one else’s face that is looking back at me in the mirror. Instead, it is only mine. My face looking at all my failures and they all look the same, they all look like me. In these moments there are no words I could utter quietly to myself that could lift the weight from off my shoulders. It seems giving myself advice is the equivalent to my son actually listening to me when I tell him to clean his room, it just does not happen.

So because desperate times text for desperate measure (I know most people say desperate times call for desperate measures, however I actively avoid telephone calls so I went for what works for me) I decided to pretend a loved one came to me with this problem. See with me, I severely lack in the self love department, but tend to kick ass in being able to lend advice to those I love. To see those I love be able to thrive in the awesomeness that is them, keeps me going on days when I have nothing else.

My hope is in doing this or approaching it from this perspective, is that I am able to create something beautiful. Words I will be able to look back on when I need to remind myself that the love I pour out onto others, first needs to be poured onto myself. With that being said, here goes nothing…

To you who I love,

Think not about what you didn’t do or how you didn’t do it as good as you could have. Don’t think about how all you had to give your son for lunch was a pb&j but instead focus on how he told you that you were the best mom ever for fixing his pb&j the very specific way he liked it. Don’t let it discourage and stress you out thinking about how your toddler fought with all she had to go to sleep but instead think about how she rubbed your cheek gently when she finally decided to wave the white flag in defeat and closed her big beautiful eyes. Don’t focus on the plants that didn’t grow today, but instead replay the memories you made planting seeds with the people you love. My love, focusing on how hard the rain falls from the sky will cause you to miss out on the opportunity to dance freely in the rain, so freely you don’t even notice the tears falling from your eyes releasing all that once held you down.

So today sucked. Well, I hate to be the one to tell you my dear but odds are that tomorrow will suck too and it is because it may suck just as bad as today that it is necessary to forgive yourself for whatever went wrong. Let your failures be your success story. Let your doubts be the reassurance that you care deeply. Stop giving yourself such crazy expectations attached with even crazier limitations. Your soul has to rest before the next race and even then prepare to be extremely proud of yourself even if all you walk away with is a third place ribbon. Let those ribbons be the stepping stones to your gold medal.

So you failed today, just promise yourself that tomorrow you will fail even better. Before you know it your heart will be heavy no more.

Love Always,

candice.

session 3, once a young girl

Barbie dolls and hair bows
That’s what I dreamed it’d be
Instead innocence and security
Was ripped away from me
Young girl turned quick
Delicate skin forced thick


Hesitant to talk about it
No one else ever did
Shit like this should never happen to a kid
Where do I start
How do I begin
I trusted this guy
And maybe that’s why kids are such a target because who don’t we trust


On my back I lay still
Hoping my silent screams
Reached the ears of anyone willing to listen
Because this can’t be right
This can’t be the way I learn about love
This can’t be how I learn about intimacy


His pants have come down now
And his penis is exposed
I am one step closer to intimacy issues
I am one step closer to never fully trusting a man
I am one step closer to the misunderstood adult that I didn’t know I’d grow up to be
I am one step closer to the depression that leaves me in the same position I was in when this all took place
On my back, I lay still


Penetration came next
Is this considered sex
Am I supposed to be this scared
The sound of my suppressed tears must’ve been loud
Because I looked up and saw my mother standing there
The words “save me” fled from my closed lips
The pair on my face and between my legs


She had done her part
She showed up
Wiped her daughter from front to back
But there was no conversation
Just hesitation, hugs, tears, her breast cancer, and then her death
The first of many bags I’d learn to carry alone


Barbie dolls and hair bows
That’s what I dreamed it’d be
Instead innocence and security
Was ripped away from me
Young girl turned quick
Delicate skin forced thick

session two, the about me.

Clenching the arms of the chair I sat in, I worry the next name to be called will be mine.
Am I really ready to do this?
The door is opening. The fucking door is opening.
Is it to late to leave? I may be coming down with something.

I think I forgot to cut the stove off.
Shit, she called my name.
Where do I begin?
How do I accurately describe the being that is me?
I am a Gemini.
Maybe that’d be enough in searching for your soulmate, because I hear Gemini’s are a catch.

Sorry. I’m deflecting.
Coping mechanism.
No eye contact.
She just asked about me avoiding eye contact.
Which further makes me avoid eye contact.
See because the second our eyes meet you will see the tears begging to be free and I will have no
control and I will let them go.
So, no. Definitely NO EYE CONTACT.


I am now digging my fingernails into my palms.
The slight tingling pain distracts me from how
uncomfortable I am sitting here trying to
open up scars only to discover new ways to close them again.
See what she doesn’t realize is that while she is asking her next question,
I am thinking about all the things I have left undone at home

Did I lock the door when I left?
Did I leave the milk…wait did I leave the stove on?


Where were we? Yes, I’m sorry.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD
Is there a pill that would allow me to be happy?
Something that’ll make me stop thinking that my death is around the corner,
control my anger outbursts,
all the while keeping me awake to take care of my children.


I so desperately want to be whole again
I am willing to carry all the pieces of myself to you once a week
so that we may sort through the bad that has made me who I am
and the good that will determine who I’m going to be.


Is there anything else you want to know about me?

extra, extra. read all about us

Yesterday’s news happens to be my morning headline

And my room is filled with our helvetica font

Seems an abundance of silence allows for the point to be made quickly

Leaving time for it to be made more than once

And then once more for clarity

Is this where the words go

Reality will finally greet expectation

Whatever the expectation may be

It sits quietly in the corner with no identity

Just happy to finally be here

The bathroom door opens

Here she comes

I giggled softly, how I love memories

The sunlight danced on her face and then disappeared into her eyes

How different one can look when you see them for the first time

At the front door she stood and smiled

Silence still dancing between us

Seems we were still writing our verses

And I was stuck trying to bridge the gap without falling in

Unsure of when I started moving but I ended up in front of her

Words repressed by the pressure of her lips against mine

A hello subdued with a goodbye

The lipstick stain on my lips matched that of which was on my bathroom mirror

Call me later

Two hours have gone by and still I cannot find the words…

it began as a silent love.

Squinted glares and focused sighs

Deciding what bagel to pair with my caramel macchiato is a special type of art 

Same little cafe on the corner, same time of day 

Same eye contact with the girl I’ve never met 

She drinks green tea when it is sunny 

And milk with a little coffee on the days it rains

Our glances of stolen time were always just long enough

Long enough to bring us back each day

How much can you say over a cup of unshared coffee

How many minutes of face observation equal a proper introduction

How does time fly by in your presence

But stand still outside of that little cafe on the corner

Words never left the holster of our tongues

Yet the silence we shared seemed to tell us everything we wanted to know

A silent love is a love that cannot be destroyed with words

There will be no mornings where we wonder if we said all we had to say the night before

Her heart will never be an incomplete sentence

My feelings will never be a mispronunciation 

Our hesitation of spoken words

Will be the topic of all our conversations

We stared a little longer today

Showed more teeth in my smile

Until tomorrow my silent beauty

Thank heaven for this little cafe on the corner