the words i wrote for myself but not to myself

The end of the day can be such a bittersweet feeling, can’t it? You can feel relieved that the day is over, you AND your children have survived, and the house is finally quiet.

However, even with victory coursing through your veins it is almost impossible not to think about all the things you got wrong. Well, at least for me it is. You’d think I’d take the little time I do have where I can actually hear my own thoughts and actually revel in what could only be described as a win. I should be able to fall asleep effortlessly and dream nothing but magnificent dreams…

And when that happens, I’ll be sure to write a blog describing how I’ve transformed into an all mighty and powerful being who shits cupcakes and rainbows.

At this very moment, both of my kids are asleep in bed, I have a Friends episode playing in the background because it is my favorite type of white noise (no pun intended). You’d think I’d have nothing else to do other than sigh the joyous sighs of relief that no one is asking me where the other purple polka dotted sock that grandma got as a gift last Christmas is. While I am pretty damn happy no one is asking me that question…anymore, my mind still seems to run a mile a minute and I seem incapable of being able to stop and enjoy the stillness that embraces me.

I am my own worst enemy, and critic. I can’t help it. At the end of the day when I go over all the things I forgot to do, or better yet the things I did but failed at doing, it is no one else’s face that is looking back at me in the mirror. Instead, it is only mine. My face looking at all my failures and they all look the same, they all look like me. In these moments there are no words I could utter quietly to myself that could lift the weight from off my shoulders. It seems giving myself advice is the equivalent to my son actually listening to me when I tell him to clean his room, it just does not happen.

So because desperate times text for desperate measure (I know most people say desperate times call for desperate measures, however I actively avoid telephone calls so I went for what works for me) I decided to pretend a loved one came to me with this problem. See with me, I severely lack in the self love department, but tend to kick ass in being able to lend advice to those I love. To see those I love be able to thrive in the awesomeness that is them, keeps me going on days when I have nothing else.

My hope is in doing this or approaching it from this perspective, is that I am able to create something beautiful. Words I will be able to look back on when I need to remind myself that the love I pour out onto others, first needs to be poured onto myself. With that being said, here goes nothing…

To you who I love,

Think not about what you didn’t do or how you didn’t do it as good as you could have. Don’t think about how all you had to give your son for lunch was a pb&j but instead focus on how he told you that you were the best mom ever for fixing his pb&j the very specific way he liked it. Don’t let it discourage and stress you out thinking about how your toddler fought with all she had to go to sleep but instead think about how she rubbed your cheek gently when she finally decided to wave the white flag in defeat and closed her big beautiful eyes. Don’t focus on the plants that didn’t grow today, but instead replay the memories you made planting seeds with the people you love. My love, focusing on how hard the rain falls from the sky will cause you to miss out on the opportunity to dance freely in the rain, so freely you don’t even notice the tears falling from your eyes releasing all that once held you down.

So today sucked. Well, I hate to be the one to tell you my dear but odds are that tomorrow will suck too and it is because it may suck just as bad as today that it is necessary to forgive yourself for whatever went wrong. Let your failures be your success story. Let your doubts be the reassurance that you care deeply. Stop giving yourself such crazy expectations attached with even crazier limitations. Your soul has to rest before the next race and even then prepare to be extremely proud of yourself even if all you walk away with is a third place ribbon. Let those ribbons be the stepping stones to your gold medal.

So you failed today, just promise yourself that tomorrow you will fail even better. Before you know it your heart will be heavy no more.

Love Always,

candice.

5 thoughts on “the words i wrote for myself but not to myself

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